The French Chef - by Sue Flay
Unemployed - by Anita Job
Off to Market - by Tobias A. Pigg
Inflammation, Please - by Arthur Itis
Handel's Messiah - by Ollie Luyah
Downpour! - by Wayne Dwops
Cloning - by Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring - by Lynn O'Leum
Holmes Does it Again - by Scott Linyard
Neither a Borrower - by Nora Lender Bee
The Scent of a Man - by Jim Nasium
Is O. J. Guilty? - by Howard I. Know
Animal Illnesses - by Ann Thrax
French Overpopulation - by Francis Crowded
Fallen Underwear - by Lucy Lastic
House Construction - by Bill Jerome Home
Yellow River - by Iam Ping
Lewis Carroll - by Alison Wonderland
Leo Tolstoy - by Warren Peace
The L. A. Lakers Breakfast - by Kareem O' Wheat
Why Cars Stop - by M. T. Tank
Wind in the Willows - by Russell Ingleaves
Look Younger - by Fay Slift
Mountain Climbing - by Andover Hand
It's Springtime! - by Theresa Green
No! - by Kurt Reply
Thanks to Dr. Ken B.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I."
He was studying chemistry in college but by third year he was out of his element.
Thanks to Dr. Ken B.
Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level. The brunette team down below was whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realized she didn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and the seats in front of them. The brunette asked, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the blondes said, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!" Thanks to Dr. Ken B.
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink
whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
3. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
4. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
5. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?
6. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
7. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
8. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (sound it out...)
9. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
10. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
11. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
12. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he
sticks his head out the window? ...
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." "Yes, I know." "So, why did you come in here?" "The light was on..."
A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different fabrics of curtains. She finally picks out a pink floral pattern. The salesman asks, "What size do you need?" She says, "15 inch." He exclaims, "15 INCHES! What room are they for?" She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor." The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains." The blond says, "HELLOOOOO... I've got Windows!!" Thanks to Wilbert L.
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however." "Oh, what is that, Doctor?" "Well, you have no nipples." "None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied. "That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine, if you don't mind." She said, "OK." "First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?" She answered, "approximately 500." "And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. Running Doe replied, "We're called ......" (I hate to do this to you) "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"
A Houston construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Lower Cajun. I'm not hiring any Cajuns, the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test to avoid hiring the Cajun without getting into an argument. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Cajun says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred." The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and left a turd by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred. So when I start?
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities. thanks to Spookie
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is this the police!?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and...well, do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police
thanks to Wilbert L.