FINALLY updated again on July 20, 2011.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Thanx to Maggie S.
Can't eat beef................mad cow
Can't eat chicken.............bird flu
Can't eat eggs................cholesterol
Can't eat pork.................bacteria
Can't eat fish..................mercury
Can't eat fruit ................insecticides
Can't eat vegetables.........herbicides
Now, the way I see it; that only leaves
Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young. We invented them."
a.. Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
b.. Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
c.. Presbyterian: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
d.. Catholic: None. Candles only.
e.. Baptist: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and to decide who brings the fried chicken and potato salad.
f.. Episcopalian: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
g.. Mormon: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.
h.. Methodist: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely burned out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring the bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
i.. Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
j.. Lutheran: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
k.. Church of Christ: They do not use light bulbs because there is no evidence of their use in the New Testament.
l.. Unitarian: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your bulb for next Sunday's service, during which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
m.. Amish: What's a light bulb?
As our crowded airliner approached take off, the peace was shattered by a five-year-old boy who picked that moment to
throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother did to calm him down, the boy continued to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a Marine uniform slowly walked up the aisle. With an upraised hand, he stopped the flustered mother. The courtly, soft-spoken Marine leaned down and motioned toward his chest, whispered something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calmed down, took his mother's hand, and quietly fastened his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly made his way back to his seat, a flight attendant touched his sleeve and whispered, "Excuse me, sir, but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The Marine smiled serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that these entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose." Thanx to Spookie
Whitey goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction."$85. for an extraction sir", was the dentist's reply. Ouch have ye not got anythin' cheaper", replies Whitey getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist. "What about if ye din't use any anesthetic?" asked Whitey hopefully. "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70.", said the dentist."Hmmmm, what about if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without anesthetic", said Whitey "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40.", said the dentist. "Och that's still a bit much, how about if ye make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin", said Whitey hopefully. "Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5. in that case", said the dentist. "Och now yer talkin' Man! It's a deal", said the Whitey "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?" Thanx to Maggie S.
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well!"
HOW does George Carlin come up with all these great "truths?" Here are some more attributed to him:
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool
3. OK.. so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
A snail grew tired of his reputation for being slow. He decided to get some fast wheels--a Nissan 350Z. But he insisted that it be changed to a 350S. "S stands for snail," he said. "I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." The dealer complied. Pretty soon, the snail was roaring down the highway. And when people saw him zooming by, they'd say, "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"