NOW that I am officially a card-carrying "Flatulus Antiquatus" (a.k.a. an Old Fart) I feel I have the right to poke a bit of fun at us Old Folks.
Hopefully this page will amuse the Senior Citizens who visit. If you are too young, please tell all the "elders" you know about it; it may brighten their day.
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First, for those who are not familiar with "advanced years," this might help:
Nearly everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.;
Your children begin to look middle aged.;
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take along rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
You join a health club but don't go.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
You mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
You're 17 around the neck, 44 around the waist, and 250 around the golf course.
You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
You are burning the midnight oil at 9:00 P.M.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just, as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun, and fun a lot more work.
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow in the middle.
Good Things about growing old
1. Kidnappers are not interested in you.
2. It is harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick
3. If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt your health.
4. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
5. Your supply of brain cells is down to a manageable size.
6. Your eyes won't get much worse.
7. adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
8. Things you buy now won't wear out.
9. No one expects you to run into a burning building or anywhere else
10. Your joints are more accurate at predicting weather than the Weather man.
11. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
12. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
13. People call at 9:00 PM and ask "Did I wake you?"
14. There is nothing left to earn the hard way.
15. You can eat dinner at 4:00 pm
16. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
17. You enjoy about hearing about other peoples operations.
18. You can get into heated arguments about pension plans.
19. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
20. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
21. You quit holding your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
22. You sing along with elevator music.
23. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
24. Aging is such a nice change from being young.
25. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
26. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
27. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
28. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
29. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
30. You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
31. You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
32. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
33. You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
34. The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
=:THE IMAGES OF MOTHER :=
4 years old - My mommy can do anything!
8 years old - My mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 years old - My mother doesn't really know everything.
14 years old - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that either.
16 years old - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 years old - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 years old - Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 years old - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 years old - Let's go down the hallway and ask Mom what she thinks.
55 years old - Wonder what Mom would have thought...
65 years old - Wish I could talk it over with Mom...
Of course, we all know that to stay young, we must.................
|The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.|
|My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is.|
|The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.|
|I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.|
||I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
|I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.|
|It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.|
|If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.|
|And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.|
|I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.|
|At my age, you get all your exercise being pallbearer for your friends who exercised.|
|I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.|
|You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.|
|You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail them the URL!|
Don Pratt suggested these exercises:
For those getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles.
Three days a week works well. Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5-lb. Potato sack in each hand extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can. (Canadians may substitute 2Kg potato sacks)
After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. Potato sacks and then 50-LB. potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
If you think old soldiers just fade away, try getting into your old army uniform.
Former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then .... Oh my goodness you forgot to pull your zipper down!
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. The other two I forget.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
It's hard to be nostalgic when ou can't remember anything.
A few points I have not yet been able to figure out:
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?
Take Exlax at night and then you're not sure.
You soak in the tub or your body will smell
It's just like I said, "Old Age is Hell".
Corns on your feet as big as hens' eggs.Gas in the stomach, elimination is poor,
Your body gets stiff, you get cramps in your legs,
The teeth start decaying, eyesight is poor,
Hair falling out all over the floor.
Sex life is shot, its a thing of the past,
Don't kid yourself, friends, even that doesn't last.
Can't go to parties, don't dance anymore,
Just putting it mildly, you're a hell of a bore.
Liquor is out, can't take a chance;
Bladder is weak, might pee in your pants.
Nothing to plan for, nothing to expect,
Just the mailman bringing your Old Age Pension cheque.
Be sure your affairs are in order, your will made out right
Or on the way to your grave there'll be a heck of a fight.
So, if this New Year you feel fairly well,
Thank Goodness you're alive, though "Old Age is Hell".
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through the government.
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Good grief, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass!
Some people over 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image
we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC,
California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world. So, Someone made a sincere study of the situation, and here are the
The following combinations DO NOT Go together:
1. A nose ring and bifocals.
2. Spiked hair and bald spots.
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
4. Miniskirts and support hose.
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
6. Speedos and cellulite.
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.
l0. Bikinis and liver spots.
11. Short shorts and varicose veins.
12. Inline skates and a walker.
With these guidelines I'm sure we'll all be LOOKING GOOD
- The best thing to save for your old age is yourself.
- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
- Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Statistics show at age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. - One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
- Ah, being young may be beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald and have such terrible eyesight, they don't recognize you.
Consider the changes we have witnessed:
We were before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees, plastic and the Pill. Also, we were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, tape recorders, VCR's, ballpoint pens, electric blankets, drip-dry clothes, pantyhose, and before man walked on the moon.
Dishwashers were human, clothes dryers were long ropes, air conditioners involved melting ice and jogging had something to do with the memory.
We got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be? And dumb enough to believe that a woman needed a husband in order to have a baby. And every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir'-and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'
In our times, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of." Bunnies were baby rabbits and rabbits were not tiny foreign cars. Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean, and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with our relatives. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment and common sense. Having a "meaningful relationship" meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Fast food was what you ate during Lent and Outer Space was the back of the local theatre.
We preceded house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers and commuter marriages. We were before day-care centres, group therapy and nursing homes. We had not heard of FM radio, electric typewriters, tape decks, CDs nor VCR nor DVDs, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt and men wearing earrings (except in National Geographic). Time sharing meant togetherness, not computers and condominiums. A "chip" was a piece of wood, "hardware" was a store, "software" was not even in our vocabularies and "bytes" were what you got from mosquitos. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with "Made in Japan" on it, it was junk.
"Making out" meant how well you did on an exam and no-one had heard of pizza or instant coffee nor MacDonalds and a Whopper was a big fish. Pepsi was 5 cents a bottle. A "walkman" was a man who liked to hike.
Back then, "5 and 10" stores were stores that actually sold things for a nickel or a dime; even ice cream cones. A Pepsi was a dime and bus ride a nickel. Two cents mailed a letter across town. You could buy a brand new Chevvy for $600 and gas for it was 11 cents a gallon.
Smoking was fashionable, grass was mowed, Coke was a cold drink and pot was something you cooked in. Rock Music was a Grandma's lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. We knew the differences between the sexes but nothing about sex change. We made do with what we had! Hardware was something you got at a Hardware Store and Software wasn't even a word.
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time.
What do you get at the end of it? ...A death.
What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young,
You get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid,
You play, you have no responsibilities,
You become a little baby,
You go back into the womb,
You spend your last nine months floating..
You finish off as an orgasm.
There is nothing the matter with me
I'm as healthy as I can be.
I have arthritis in both of my knees
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak and my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape that I'm in.
Arch supports I have for my feet,
Or I wouldn't be able to be on the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night
But every morning I find I'm alright.
My memory's failing; my head's in a spin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape that I'm in.
The moral of this, as my tale I unfold -
That for you and me who are growing old,
It's better to say, "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let folks know the shape that we're in.
How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well, my "get up and go" has got up and went.
But I really don't mind, when I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my "get up" has been.
Old age is golden, I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed
With my ears in the drawer, my teeth in a cup
My eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep overtakes me, I say to myself,
"Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?"
But nations are warring and the P.M. is vexed
So I'll get up tomorrow to see what is next.
When I was young, my slippers were red
I could kick my heels right over my head.
When I was older, my slippers were blue
But still I could dance the whole night through.
Now I am old and my slippers are black.
I walk to the store and puff my way back.
Never you laugh, I don't mind at all;
I'd rather be puffing than not puff at all.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
And pick up the paper and read the "Obits".
If my name is still missing I know I'm not dead,
So I have a good breakfast and go back to bed!
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or
imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behaviour,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not really grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota commercials, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
It seems cute to poke fun at old age; maybe that is our way of denying that it will happen to us, so here are a few chuckles:
"The pain you have in your left leg, sir, is just a matter of old age" said the doctor. "But Doctor," replied the patient, "Both of my legs are the same age as I am: 78."
Once there were two old buddies, Sid and Irving, who were living in a rest-home. One day, they were playing gin rummy, and Irving said, "Tomorrow's my birthday. I'll bet you can't guess how old I'll be." I'll bet you I can, "Sid said." "As a matter of fact, I can look at the wrinkles on your body and tell you exactly how old you are." "There's no way you can tell with me." Irving scoffed. "Twenty buck says you can't guess how old I am." "You're on," Sid said, "Now take off your shirt." Irving took off his shirt, and Sid walked around him, inspecting the wrinkles on his chest and back. Sid ordered, "Now take off your pants," Irving took off his pants. "And your underwear." Irving stood naked. "Now bend over and touch your toes," Sid said. "And don't move." Irving bent all the way over, Sid walked behind Irving and said, "You're 94 years old." "That's amazing!" Irving said. "How could you tell? You told me yesterday. (L. B. Lively)
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Quick, go get your mother!" Thanx to John B.
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office. He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that?" The doctor thinks for a second and then he says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods, and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!" "Exactly" says the doctor!!
A minister visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Do you mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all, help yourself," says the little old lady. They chat away for an hour or so, and as the minister stands up to leave, he notices to his horror that instead of eating just a few peanuts as he had intended, he has emptied the entire bowl while they were talking. "I'm so terribly sorry for eating all of your peanuts," he apologizes. "Oh, that's all right," says the little old lady. "I'm glad you can still enjoy them. Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking... surely I cannot look that old? If so, you
may enjoy this short story.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school "Yes," he replied. "When did you raduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1971. Why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then the so-and-so asked, "What did you teach?"
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank Goodness, I still have my driver's license!
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old. As long as she buys him a few drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was
impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough
for the whole crowd to hear.
"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh.."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next generation?"
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the
drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since
it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to
her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch
with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I
would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of
water." "Coming! right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
You're gonna like this one -------------------------
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. That's why I want it lowered!"
Mom Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice: "And how are we doing this morning," or "Are we ready for a bath," or "Are we hungry?" Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So ... you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .... " At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying: "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time." The nurse fainted! Old Harold just smiled.
Last Will and Testament: "Being of sound mind, I spent all my money."
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that hercar has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake.
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," he second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in,"So am I. Let's have a beer."
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her night gown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
A man was talking to his neighbor and said, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars! But it's state of the art...it's perfect!" "Really?", answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street, with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor"... "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said... "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thank goodness we can all still drive."
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me . your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife!"
I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or
maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?
Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
Age is only a number?
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen.
The people who are starting college in the fall of 2005 were probably born in or about 1987.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope.
They don't remember when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Rollerskating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew where it was.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental replacements and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can't show.
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
M (Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)
N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo- and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasiness. Wine or flu?
R is for reflux-- one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray-- and what might be found.
Y for another year I've left behind
Z is for zest that I still have my mind!
I've survived all the symptoms my body's deployed,
And kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!
Ain't being a "senior citizen" great??? (thanks to "the Spook" for this one)
Grandma Climbed The Family Tree
She's always reading history, or jotting down some date.
She's tracing back the family, we'll all have pedigrees,
There's been a change in Grandma, we've noticed as of late.
Grandma's got a hobby, she's Climbing Family Trees...
Poor Grandpa does the cooking, and now, or so he states,
he even has to wash the cups and dinner plates.
Well, Grandma can't be bothered, she's busy as a bee,
Compiling genealogy for the Family Tree.
She has not time to baby-sit, the curtains are a fright.
No buttons left on Grandpa's shirts, the flower bed's a sight.
She's given up her club work, the serials on TV,
The only thing she does nowadays is climb that Family Tree.
The mail is all for Grandma, it comes from near and far.
Last week she got the proof she needs to join the DAR.
A monumental project, to that we all agree,
A worthwhile avocation, to climb the Family Tree.
She wanders through the graveyard in search of date and name,
The rich, the poor, the in-between, all sleeping there the same.
She pauses now and then to rest, fanned by a gentle breeze,
That blows above the Fathers of all our Family Trees.
Now some folks came from Scotland, some from Galway Bay,
Some were French as pastry, some German all the way.
Some went on West to stake their claims, some stayed there by the sea,
Grandma hopes to find them all as she climbs the Family Tree.
There were pioneers and patriots mixed with our kith and kin,
Who blazed the paths of wilderness and fought through thick and thin.
But none more staunch than Grandma, whose eyes light up with glee,
Each time she finds a missing branch for the Family Tree.
Their skills were wide and varied from carpenter to cook,
And one, alas, the records show was hopelessly a crook.
Blacksmith, farmer, weaver, judge, some tutored for a fee,
One lost in time, now all recorded on the Family Tree.
To some it's just a hobby, to Grandma it’s much more.
She learns the joys and heartaches of those who went before.
They loved, they lost, they laughed, they wept, and now for you and me,
They live again in spirit around the Family Tree.
At last she's nearly finished, and we are each exposed.
Life will be the same again, this we all suppose.
Grandma will cook and sew, serve crullers with our tea.
We'll have her back, just as before that wretched Family Tree.
Sad to relate, the Preacher called and visited for a spell.
We talked about the Gospel and other things as well.
The heathen folk, the poor, and then, It was fate, it had to be
Somehow the conversation turned to Grandma and the Family Tree.
We tried to change the subject, we talked of everything,
But then in Grandma's voice we heard that old familiar ring.
She told him all about the past, and soon it was plain to see,
The Preacher, too, was neatly snared by Grandma and the Family Tree.
by Virginia Day, McDonald, Macon, GA
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)
Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis
We licked the beaters and didn't have anyone telling us we were going to become deathly ill from eating batter with
raw eggs in it!
At Easter time, we had our dyed Easter eggs in a nest on the counter and they sat out at room temperature for the week after Easter. We would peel one whenever we felt like it. I Can't Believe We Made It"!
If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's. Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have... As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable.
We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut, broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no law suits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight ... we were always outside playing games, we shared grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell and just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By our-selves! Out there in the cold, cruel world! Without a guardian. How did we do it?
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade .... Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them.
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night".
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw omething back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, 2004 actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My
Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment for her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she sang:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.
If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.
So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
OR print the whole thing out for them?